I'm 32 and nearly 1/2-way there...

I turned 32 this month. There isn’t really anything special involved in turning 32. In fact, most of my birthday milestones have been reached. When I turned 12, I could go hunting and, in Bedford County, that’s a big deal. I got to drive at 16, get drafted and vote at 18, drink at 21, I could rent a car at 25 and at 30, well… I was 30.

People rarely associate any significant milestone with the age of 32. By 32 most of us have had a “real job” and we have usually figured out where we are in life. At 32 we aren’t quite yet middle aged and we still have memories of being thin and in shape. Most of the time 32 is just a place holder, another year to work, eat, breathe, and sleep. Not me. In my 32nd year, I have thought of something that should be celebrated. It is a goal that those of us who pray at the "Temple of Lazy" eagerly anticipate. In February of this, my 32nd year, I will have a celebration. This celebration shall be known as “my half way to retirement party.” That’s right, it’s a party entirely devoted to the celebration of being half way to 65.

Now, before I hear a politically charged argument that social security won’t be around then, just wait a second, this is an anticipation celebration. I don’t want realism, I want to dream. In this dream, I will have saved enough to retire, I will get my social security checks and I won’t be popping pills like Pez to stay alive. This is simply celebrating the anticipation of freedom—of course I use that term loosely, as in all likelihood I will be at the beck and call of some needy family member, like my parents are. In this dream I am free to roam the country and do whatever my heart desires or my income allows. If my fellow dreamers want to follow me and also have a ½ Way to Retirement Party here is all you have to do:

1. Get 65 gray balloons (black is reserved for 40th Birthday or actual retirement parties)
2. Have a cake in the shape of a RV
3. Wear a youthful shirt, but sensible pants and sandals (the law states that sandals and socks can only be worn when one truly retires)
4. Drink heavily and print out your 401K projections for the year 2041
5. End the night by printing a copy of your resume and storing it until 2041, at such time you will read it out loud and then burn it ceremoniously.

I think I might have started a trend here. If Hallmark starts printing cards for this, please let me know, because I’ll cash in and celebrate with a ¾ Way to Retirement Party.